The Perfect Boundry for Your Next Shame-Cycle.
How to Create Rules for Being Kind to Yourself After you Fail.
“Being hard on yourself after you’ve just failed is stupid, Dakota. After all, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. You already understand failing precedes succeeding; it’s literally part of the process. This draws me to my conclusion; you should be more kind to yourself because it turns out you’re actually on the path to figuring it out.”
This was the conversation I had with myself after a couple of hard days of not being satisfied with my results and what I thought I was capable of. In the past, I’ve let my punishment for failure be my own inner judge cycle into negative self-talk. I know we all do this as humans.
I bet it’s what our ancestors did long ago too after they didn’t kill a wooly mammoth and their family starved to death. You know, an authentic survival response? When they failed, that meant life was over. Our egos, which existed even all the way back then, only want to survive and they will be sure to let you know if it thinks you’re compromising that via shaming yourself.
In the modern world; failure can seem like many things:
- You didn’t win
- It didn’t go as planned
- You fucked up
- A million other things
Yet, when we fail, life goes on.
In fact, as long as you keep striving to improve and stay in the game; a funny thing happens. Your failures start to turn into victories. This is the secret weapon we have that our ancestors didn’t; the power of long-term thinking. If you play the game long enough, you can win. If you try again, you can get it right. If you forgive yourself and muster up the courage, you can grow.
There’s a lot of reasons why it’s easy for us to be hard on ourselves after failing- even though knowing it’s required to find success. Emotions can be high. Tension can be stored in the body. You can let your guard down and start having all sorts of thoughts coming into your head. It’s an overwhelming response. This is why suffering is inevitable- it’s wired into us.
Let’s talk about stopping your next shame cycle in its tracks.
Boundaries are cool. I think of them like bumpers at a bowling alley; they set a wall up designed to keep the ball out of the gutter. Well, guess what? You’re the bowling ball, and when you can effectively place boundaries in your life (especially ones for yourself and the way you treat yourself) it can keep you from sinking in the gutter! Boundaries are rules. Make them for yourself where you need support. After all, life is a game and you are the creator.
THE NEW RULE
“When I become aware I’m criticizing myself, I have to stop immediately and pass through three checkpoints. If I fail at any of these checkpoints; then the criticizing ends immediately and I must find a way to use the checkpoints to treat myself kindly.”
Your words are spells. That’s why it’s called spelling. Imagine how these bumpers can keep you safe from your own crucifixion. You are allowed to set up rules for your life to keep you in check. You can also do this for any area of your life.
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Let’s go back to the reasons why we respond negatively to failure. Treating these responses will be the keys to keeping the boundary established and able to protect you from criticizing yourself harshly.
- Emotions can be High
Emotions are feelings. Despite what you think, we choose our feelings- they do not choose us. Failing can be a predictable path in the micro. Our emotions are a combination of our physiology, the words we use, and the thoughts we think. If I’m slouched, telling myself I’m gonna be pissed if today doesn’t go my way, and then thinking about how I’m disappointing someone for my failure- guess what kind of emotional response I’m going to have? When we admit to failing and begin to be hard on ourselves- we’re already charged up for our own lashing. This makes it easy for us to be hard on ourselves.
This is your first checkpoint. You’re only allowed to pass to the next checkpoint if you can authentically confirm with yourself that you’re feeling the way you want to be feeling. That simple.
If you’re not feeling the way you want to be feeling- you have to immediately stop criticizing yourself and change the way you feel. Changing your posture, changing your words, and changing your mind is a good place to start. Once you’re back to a place where you feel a bit more stabilized emotionally- you can pass onto gate two. This is if you even want to. 80% of the time, you won’t feel the need to judge yourself harshly once you’re feeling something new. Feel free to thank yourself for making boundaries that keep you loving yourself and safe- then move on with your life because you’re on the right path after all.
2. Tension can be Stored
I have an acupressure mat thanks to Chirpwheel. After a long day, especially training BJJ for example, I need to decompress my body after all the stresses of the day. I will lay on this mat with my shirt off and it feels like the equivalent of laying on needles. After a few seconds, I can relax into it. After a few minutes, my body is reset.
The second checkpoint is all about allowing your body to relax back into a state that is decompressed, unwound, and uncharged. When we want to shame-cycle, we’re feeding off all of the stored tension that we aren’t even aware of. Your back hurts. Your shoulders are tight. You have a headache. The tension comes in many forms and because this can also be completely unnoticeable- you must set up a checkpoint to check in with yourself. I never realize how much I needed to reset my body until after I do. This is what you must do, for checkpoint number 2.
Ask yourself “Have I reset my physical body to feel an emotional release?” If not, you must stop immediately and begin to be kind to yourself. Creative and healthy ways to decompress are yoga, breathwork, hanging from a bar, and making art.
I can almost guarantee your success at avoiding shame cycling with these two checkpoints alone. The fact of the matter is when you’re feeling different.. when you’ve dropped emotional charges and reset your body- you’re most likely not going to have any good reason to shame yourself. For those daring enough to pass both gates and feel the need to proceed- let’s.
3. You Let Your Guard Down
This can be the equivalent of ignoring the rule of garbage in, garbage out. For a brief moment in defeat, if you had a stream of thoughts come around doubt, fears, etc. and you begin to believe them- you can suffer immensely from simply thinking that your thoughts are who you really are.
The final checkpoint is can be passed through by answering this question authentically, “Are the thoughts I’m believing around my failure real?” As in, are the consequences of you failing truly catastrophic? Many times we shame ourselves for what we think is going to happen as a result of us failing, not what we actually failed at (that is once again required for you to succeed.)
If you can see that you let your guard down and thoughts slip by that you started to believe, even though you know aren’t true, then you must stop shaming yourself and immediately treat yourself kindly. Go back to the basics, and figure out what is truth and what is projected fear. Journaling, discussing how you feel, and meditation are all great ways to reflect on truth.
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To recap- setting yourself up to avoid shame-cycling is a worthy cause. I struggle with being gentle to myself, and it’s something I really had to convince myself it was the right thing to do in the first place. Setting up boundaries, or rules, is the easiest way to establish dominion over your unwanted behavior and this maps out to anything you want to change in your life.
You should check in with yourself frequently and when you become aware of what you’re doing- you should follow your new golden rule. It’s going to keep you safe, loving yourself, and able to stay in the game. This is the most important part. People quit because they can’t do it anymore- or at least convince themselves of that. The negative thoughts turn into sentences, which turn into beliefs, and before you know it- we’ve fully convinced ourselves we’re not worthy of success.
If there are repercussions to deal with as a result of your failure- such is life. You shall overcome and find ways to use them as stepping stones to get to where you want to be.
Embrace your failure for what it is, a lesson, and remain a student of life. This alone will take you further than you’ve ever dreamed of.
